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Ultimatums in relationships are poison pills. Don’t use them.
Every relationship has its challenges, with some being more difficult
than others. Because of those difficulties, some couples use extreme
measures to resolve their issues.
To that end, they give ultimatums in relationships. If you think that’s
extreme, that’s because it is. Whether it’s communication issues or
other pressing concerns, some couples use them as trump cards.
They often think of ultimatums as a last resort. It’s a “break glass in
case of emergency” device. While they may be firm, they aren’t the best
solutions for relationship problems.
And as much as some think they indicate true love, they aren’t a
barometer. On the contrary, they can be dangerous
What Goes on in an Ultimatum?
Ultimatums are, by definition, threats or demands. In relationships,
they’re final warnings that offer consequences if one doesn’t heed them.
According to experts, this differs from setting boundaries, which only
seek to assert reasonable limits.
“When you state your boundaries, you’re setting standards in order for
the relationship to succeed,” therapist Josiah Teng tells PsychCentral.
Conversely, ultimatums say one has violated those standards, and change
should happen.
If boundaries give you a fair shot, ultimatums don’t. Imagine someone is
holding you at gunpoint and forcing you to make an uncomfortable choice
to stay alive.
Why Giving Ultimatums in Relationships Is Dangerous
Relationship ultimatums can prove costly. Why?
First, they can sow the seeds of resentment. Partners will feel stuck
between a rock and a hard place. One party will follow through not
because they want to but because the other is forcing them. If they
don’t, they risk
losing their love.
Second, they’re culprits of power imbalance. One party might feel like
they're getting the short end of the stick from forcibly complying with
the other’s standard. However, in a relationship, both partners should
have a balanced dynamic. One shouldn’t be domineering over the other.
Third, ultimatums create unnecessary stress and pressure. They can feel
overwhelming because of their demanding and insistent nature.
Fourth, ultimatums threaten security and communication. Relationships
will feel like dangerous minefields instead of safe spaces.
And lastly, they crush self-esteem. They make one feel inadequate or
unworthy, especially if they don’t meet the demands. The more one’s
self-worth dwindles, the more the relationship will suffer.
How to Respond to an Ultimatum in a Relationship
What should you do if your partner gives an ultimatum?
Start with some assessment. Is their ultimatum fair? Did it come out of
nowhere? Was it your partner’s only option? Or is this a plot to try and
control you?
If you know you’ve made a mistake warranting that warning, ask yourself
whether you want to make that change. If so, tell your partner how you
plan to go about it. If not, tell them to their faces. This way, they’ll
know what to do for themselves moving forward.
But if you know you haven’t done anything wrong, discuss the ultimatum
with your partner. This lets them hear you out and make better
decisions.
Think twice before throwing ultimatums in relationships. They may end up
doing more harm than good.
Reference
Litner, Jennifer. 2022. “Ultimatums in Relationships: Causes and
Consequences.” Psych Central.
