Avoid Toxic Communication at All Costs

Are relationships sunshine and rainbows 24/7? No.

It’s common for a couple to argue now and then. You won’t always be on the same page, and that’s a non-issue.

It could be problematic, though, if such conflicts happen frequently. If you deal with them poorly, that makes it even worse. By poorly, I mean those fights fuel much anger and hostility.

Toxic communication may be the cause of this problematic nature.

How you and your partner communicate indicates your relationship’s health. If it leans on the toxic side, it needs fixing. Let’s discuss what such communication looks like and see how you can remedy it.

A Picture of Toxicity

How does this kind of communication play out? It’s in the form of the Four Horsemen.

No, I’m not talking about the biblical figures here. These “horsemen” refer to Gottman’s four toxic communication styles. They got the name from the New Testament’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—a metaphor signaling the end of times. In this case, these horsemen symbolize a relationship’s downfall.

Here’s a brief description of each one:

#1: Criticism

This first horseman is in attack mode. You're directly taking jabs at your partner’s character, which is different from giving a critique. It's as if you're questioning them and tearing them apart.

#2: Contempt

You’re being intentionally mean. Your words are dripping with sarcasm, anger, and resentment.

As if that’s not enough, your body language matches your energy. An example is when you roll your eyes to dismiss their opinions or heavily sigh while they explain their side.

#3: Defensiveness

As its name suggests, the third horseman is always defensive because of criticism (see #1). Since you want to get the jabs off your back, you respond with excuses and turn the tables on your partner.

#4: Stonewalling

This fourth and final horseman is a response to contempt (see #2). Stonewalling is removing yourself from interactions by being evasive. Examples include looking busy, tuning out conversations, and obsessive behavior.

How to Fix Toxic Communication

Now that you know about the Four Horsemen, remedy the toxicity through these tried and tested ways:

#1: Don’t point fingers.

The blame game is ineffective, even if you’re trying to defend yourself. You’re free to complain, but pointing fingers at your partner makes you stray from your point.

Should anything in your relationship go wrong, don’t accuse your partner of causing it. Raise your points through “I” statements.

For example, say, "I feel frustrated whenever things don't go as planned." Such phrasing gives better emphasis to your feelings and concerns.

#2: Don’t invalidate feelings.

Neither of you should dismiss each other’s feelings. The more this happens, the more resentment will grow and poison your relationship. If your partner feels a certain way about something, hear them out and acknowledge their feelings.

#3: Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.

Let me piggyback off the previous tip.

See where your partner is coming from. With that, hold yourself accountable for your actions. If apologizing is necessary, go ahead and do it.

#4: Mind your movements.

Communication isn’t just using words. Body language matters, too! It adds to a person’s perception of messages. If you want to clearly make a point, watch your tone, facial expressions, and body gestures.

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Don’t let toxic communication permeate your relationship. Otherwise, it could turn the one you love into the one you hate.